The Endless Cycle

I am writing this to vent out my frustration. Sometimes people you care about hurt you so badly you feel like crying. But you can’t because you promised yourself never to cry, that you’ll not let yourself be hurt. But then it’s your own fault. You gave them a hold over you. You allowed them entry into your heart and brain. Sometimes you start living in an illusion that you are one ruthless mechanical device. That nothing can hurt you except physical force. The reality is pretty different. And the trip to that reality is pretty painful, because obviously it leads to you being hurt, a possibility you had started to believe impossible.

Talking about pain, physical pain is so much more painless. Sounds ironic but then it actually is compared to the trauma you go through when your heart is broken, your expectations dashed and your will to live challenged. Try to express yourself and all you can manage is ramblings of a madman. People won’t understand it. You can’t blame them because you can’t understand it yourself. Your power of reason takes a backseat. You are driven by a single emotion. And the worst part is you can’t recognise that emotion. The only people capable of understanding it are the ones that caused it in the first place. And in most cases, they don’t even realise they triggered something so complex.

Is there a remedy? I wouldn’t be writing all this if I had any. The only remedy that one can think of in such a time is to be emotionless. It is impractical and it is something that you won’t think of at any other moment of time. But at that moment it seems the best one possible. Its benefits seem almost magical. No love, no pain. No expectations, no disappointments. No trust, no betrayal. The list is endless. Everything you want to escape, gone. With it, everything you ever lived for.

Is it worth all the trouble? No. That is the conclusion you reach after the turmoil in your brain settles down. It is then that you feel that the people that hurt you are the ones you love most. And that you love them for a reason. That reason may be strange, it may be stupid, but there is always a reason. You remember that reason and you remember that the people who hurt you are the ones that have been the cause of your happiness a countless times. And you realise that you have always been prepared to be hurt, for those times of happiness. You realise that you will be hurt again, that you will again go through a turmoil and you’ll reach the same conclusions. This is an endless cycle. It hurts sometimes, but then this is what you live for.

I was writing this to vent out my frustrations. I end up feeling good. God! I love writing :)

Will You?

this is my first attempt at poetry.... i know its amateur but what the hell!!

Will you believe me if I said I love you?
Will you believe me if I said I care?
Will you believe me if I said you are the one for me?
Will you believe me I said I’ll be there?

Love me not for what you see.
Love me for what I am.
Love me not because I love you.
Love me because I can.

Will you wait for me I said I’d come?
Will you wait for me I did not?
Will you wait for me if I didn’t keep the promise?
Will you wait for me if could not?

Trust me not for what I say.
Trust me for what I do.
Trust me not because I say this.
Trust me because I will always love you.

PS – Will you love me?


and anyone getting any ideas.... i am not in love!!!!

Plan To Live

If you are a part of the human society, one of your main duties is to make it difficult for your fellow beings to exist. If you can’t manage that, you must at least be capable of not allowing them to be happy. For in today’s ideal society, everyone is concerned with every aspect of everyone’s life. So much so that the entity called life ceases to exist and what is left is merely a public spectacle.
Right from his birth, a man is condemned to serve the society’s purposes. His wishes, his aspirations do not matter, have never mattered. If born with an affluent background, he is condemned to excessive affection, or at least whatever is the society’s notion of affection. If born with a modest background, he is condemned to eternal pity. The value of simple indifference, the relief it can give, has never been understood; and call it a curse, it will never be understood.
A man is not considered a being of volition. His friends are handpicked by the society. His career is thrust upon him. Even the choice of his soulmate requires the society’s approval. And he must comply. He must comply if he wants to live in this society, if he wants to be accepted. And the irony is that even that need for acceptance is defined by the society, borne by the man as his own.
A girl and a boy cannot be friends, say the open minded people. A girl and boy should never be friends, say the narrow minded people. It is one of many instances when a man is forced to choose between one section of the society or the other. Following one’s heart and mind is not an option. Every step he takes is carefully scrutinised. Every action is censured. In the ideal society of today, a man is always on the brink of conviction, not by the law of the state, but by that of the society. The society terms this as the bond between humans, the bonds of love, I call it shackles.
I plan to break these shackles. Today I declare it to every human who thinks he can control my life. He cannot. I will not follow anyone but myself. I will not commit any action or have any thought that does not comply with my moral code, not the society’s. I will not surrender my happiness, my identity to please anyone. In fact, I will not do anything at all to please anyone but myself. I will not merely exist. I plan to live.

Destiny, Karma and other such things!

Why me? A question that is asked at least once by every human in his life. Countless scholars have pondered upon the factors that determine the occurrence and non-occurrence of various events. Some attribute it to destiny, written by the Gods, some consider it an outcome of their deeds, while some brush it aside as a simple mathematical concept of probability.
One can believe in any of these possibilities. One may even define new, more accurate reasons, but one cannot deny that this destiny, karma or luck is still a mystery for a majority of human population, and is something that concerns every human being every moment. When I say majority, it is because a sizeable section of the population has solved or at least claims to have saolved this mystery.
As far as I am concerned, I feel that every human is the sum of his experiences. What I am because of what I was. Life is nothing but a series of moments, and every moment is the resultant of the preceding moments. Some call it karma, some call it destiny. I call it the truth. The truth that determines the course of every organism’s life. The law that governs the universe.
Karma in itself is an intriguing concept. Originated in ancient scriptures, accepted by modern philosophers and glamorised by artists all over the world, karma is a concept recognised today by a majority of the population in one form or the other. But do we understand it completely? I know I don’t. a few of its theories are hard to digest for me. For example rebirth or life after death. I don’t think one is reborn after death. The only way we can outlive death is in the memories we leave behind. Whether these are good or bad will depend on the deeds we do in this life and this life itself. There will be a judgement day, like all scriptures say. But it will be in this life itself, when the consequences of our deeds will be felt. In fact, today may be the judgement day for a large number of people. Tomorrow may be ours.
One may ask then how is it possible for a person who has always chosen the right path to experience pain. According to the karma theory, it is the consequence of a deed done in the past life. According to me, it is not humanly possible to always chose the right path. And in a rare case, if it does happen, then destiny steps in.
Destiny or the master plan in simpler words, is what reigns in the excesses of humans. Whatever is destined will happen, whatever is not cannot. People say you can write your own destiny. I say you can only alter it, and even that requires a herculean effort. But it is possible. It is possible because there is something slightly more powerful than destiny- the human will.
These are some of my theories. But there is a theory that supercedes all of these, that life is too short to linger on these matters. Life is shorter for regrets. Live life to the fullest. This is the most common advice people will give you. Maybe because it is the best one available.
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