The Endless Cycle

I am writing this to vent out my frustration. Sometimes people you care about hurt you so badly you feel like crying. But you can’t because you promised yourself never to cry, that you’ll not let yourself be hurt. But then it’s your own fault. You gave them a hold over you. You allowed them entry into your heart and brain. Sometimes you start living in an illusion that you are one ruthless mechanical device. That nothing can hurt you except physical force. The reality is pretty different. And the trip to that reality is pretty painful, because obviously it leads to you being hurt, a possibility you had started to believe impossible.

Talking about pain, physical pain is so much more painless. Sounds ironic but then it actually is compared to the trauma you go through when your heart is broken, your expectations dashed and your will to live challenged. Try to express yourself and all you can manage is ramblings of a madman. People won’t understand it. You can’t blame them because you can’t understand it yourself. Your power of reason takes a backseat. You are driven by a single emotion. And the worst part is you can’t recognise that emotion. The only people capable of understanding it are the ones that caused it in the first place. And in most cases, they don’t even realise they triggered something so complex.

Is there a remedy? I wouldn’t be writing all this if I had any. The only remedy that one can think of in such a time is to be emotionless. It is impractical and it is something that you won’t think of at any other moment of time. But at that moment it seems the best one possible. Its benefits seem almost magical. No love, no pain. No expectations, no disappointments. No trust, no betrayal. The list is endless. Everything you want to escape, gone. With it, everything you ever lived for.

Is it worth all the trouble? No. That is the conclusion you reach after the turmoil in your brain settles down. It is then that you feel that the people that hurt you are the ones you love most. And that you love them for a reason. That reason may be strange, it may be stupid, but there is always a reason. You remember that reason and you remember that the people who hurt you are the ones that have been the cause of your happiness a countless times. And you realise that you have always been prepared to be hurt, for those times of happiness. You realise that you will be hurt again, that you will again go through a turmoil and you’ll reach the same conclusions. This is an endless cycle. It hurts sometimes, but then this is what you live for.

I was writing this to vent out my frustrations. I end up feeling good. God! I love writing :)